dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
