i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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