i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
