Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
