Fine. I'll sleep in my office
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
