I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
