I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
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I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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