it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
