man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
