I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
