I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize