so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
