dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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