Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
