I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Randomize
