Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
