I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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