bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
