it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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