Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
please come you make the beer taste better
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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