So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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