I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
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