I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
