i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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