it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
