bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
