is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
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I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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