he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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