Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
