Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
