i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
