Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
