So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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