So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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