even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
