I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
