WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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