I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
