Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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