i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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