I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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