Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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