he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
