Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
