well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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