i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
