Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
