I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
farters have to be the big spoon...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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