in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
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