pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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