happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
