We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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