maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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