Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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