Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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