i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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