Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.