i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
