I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
