Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
