What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
