you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
