and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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