last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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