just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
