im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
are you so shy because you have an std?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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